Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
