Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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