Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
