I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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