Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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