I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
be right there i have to get my cape
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
