I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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