So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
