I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
