I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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