Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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