Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
