I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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