Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize