I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
