Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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