i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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