y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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