I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
