it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
