I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
