I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize