Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
