i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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