Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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