I wanna bring you to show and tell
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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