true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
