Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
