i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
