I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
