Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
