Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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