Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
