the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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