You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
