I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
