did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize