Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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