I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Im part way to drunk.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
