Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
