Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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