Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
