tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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