Four minutes until I can fart!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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