Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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