four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
