we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the condom got lost in my hair
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
