The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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