around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
