Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
