did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have feelings that need drinking.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize