I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
