somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
