It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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