Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
