Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
