I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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