Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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