Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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